Life Without Expectations

I finished my 3-day juice cleanse a few days ago.  I am proud to say that I completed it and didn’t cheat.  In fact, beyond a very small craving for salt, I didn’t even think about food.  It really didn’t feel like a big deal to me at all and now that the cleanse is over I don’t even feel different.  I don’t feel like I have more energy or lost weight (although that was not my intention) or even cleaned out any toxins.  I’m only left feeling a bit confused.

On one hand, I feel a bit disappointed that I didn’t have this amazing life-changing experience.  I had expected something in the way of side-effects but beyond getting tired an hour earlier than I normally do and having a slight headache the first day, I didn’t have any withdrawals from food.  No bathroom “cleansing”, no blemishes, no mood changes.  Nothing.

On the other hand I feel proud that my normal everyday eating is balanced enough that my body didn’t need to detox.  This outcome has made me really stop and think about what we eat as a family.  We don’t buy packaged or processed or pre-made food… at all.  I don’t eat that many sweets and never drink soda.  Getting vegetables into my diet is really the only thing I struggle with but since I got my juicer I’m able to get veggies into the family every morning.

What I’m taking from this experience is the satisfaction that I’m eating way better than I thought.  It’s encouraging to know that I’m doing alright and I am providing healthy and nutritious food for my family.

Look at all the shades of green!

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Oh, speaking of healthy and nutritious food, you really MUST check out my sister’s food blog: freshisthetaste.com.  She’s an amazing cook and has tons of ideas and inspirations.  She’s one of the main reasons I got back into the kitchen and made myself fall in love with cooking again.  Her recipes are simple and easy to follow and if you ever have any questions or problems with a recipe, she’s more than happy to help.  Now go check it out!!

This morning some friends and I headed to the Carlsbad Flower Fields.  It was an absolutely gorgeous day.  Sunshine.  Blue skies.  Ocean breeze.  We strolled along the flower fields taking pictures.  The kids ran and played and chased each other.  It was the perfect way to spend the morning.

Kai on the tractor

In the flowers

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For the past few years I’ve wanted to do a total body cleanse.  I know how good it can be to reboot your system and clean out all the built up junk.  I crave salt like nobody’s business and just haven’t been eating a balanced diet for awhile now.  I keep putting off doing it for so many reasons: unknown side effects, not knowing which cleanse is best, not knowing if I can follow through with it, being too busy with a kid to deal with it, and just plain laziness.  I’ve been intimidated by it.

After absolutely no forethought, this past Sunday I decided to just do it.  I mentally committed to it before I could talk myself out of it.  I decided I wanted to do a juice cleanse since I have this amazing juicer that I could utilize.  I also decided that I only wanted to do a 3-day cleanse.  I’m still nervous I won’t follow through so I figured doing a 3-day cleanse would be my best bet.  After some seriously painful research about juice cleansing I found a great plan that was perfect for me.  The basic plan is having 6 different drinks throughout the day plus lots of water.  The site includes the recipes for the different drinks and even a shopping list to take to the store.  It’s perfect for a beginner like me.

I started the cleanse this morning and it’s going well.  The juice isn’t as tasty as the normal juice drinks I make each morning but I’m integrating lots of veggies and fruit that I normally don’t eat.  The one I’m drinking as I type this has 2 grapefruits, 3 carrots and mint.  It’s very tart and I’m struggling to finish it.  But can you blame me when Kai is eating cheese and veggie straws right in front of me?  The nerve of that kid!

Wish me luck!

First juice of the cleanse

Today Kai and I took a little trip to the brand new grocery store down the street from us.  I had a coupon for $10 off my next purchase that would expire in a couple days so I jotted down a small list of things we needed and off we went.  Once we got to the store Kai refused to get in the cart.  The last couple times I’ve gone shopping he has struggled with getting in the cart.  Not because he doesn’t want to be contained but because I think he’s fearful of the cart itself.  We’re working through it.

Since I only needed a couple things, I decided to let him walk.  He was on strict instructions to stay near me and to obey me under threat of being belted into the cart.  He did fantastic walking around the store with me.  He helped me pick out vegetables and fruit.  I let him choose which type of cream cheese to get.  He said “hi” to everyone he saw even if they were too far away to hear his greeting.  He was constantly distracted: by the banana display, by the tower of canned goods (yikes!!), by the flowers and balloons, and by every small metal plate inlaid in the floor (I had no idea how interesting a grocery store floor could be!).

Sure, I had to constantly remind him “Come on, Kai.” and yes, I had to tell him over and over not to touch everything in sight.  And yes, the trip took about four times longer than if he’d been in a cart.  But seeing him explore and laugh and run crazily down the wide aisles, and seeing him interact with so many people all the while wearing a huge grin was totally worth it.  It was a wonderful reminder that this is new to him.  All of it.  Everything he comes into contact with is brand new.  It’s shiny and exciting and wonderful.  He’s discovering his world and I need to let him do that.  I need to take the time (even if it takes four times longer) to let him explore at his own pace.

Exploring his world

• After hearing about the amazingess of dry shampoo, I want to grow my hair out to see if it will work.
• Kai slept in until 9:45 this morning!  When I went in to get him his face was covered in dried snot.  Apparently he’s got a cold.
• Sitting on the couch too long gives me a headache.  I think I need to go to the chiropractor.
• Kai calls Easter eggs ‘bubbles’.  He found a hot pink one under his crib this morning and started laughing and saying, “Bubble, mama!  Bubble!”
• I hate to clean the floors.  Anyone have a better solution to sweeping and then Swiffering?  Any one-step wonders?
• The show “Who Do You Think You Are” makes me very curious about my heritage.  Maybe I’ll get around to researching it one day.
• Even though Kai slept until almost 10:00 this morning, he still took a 4 hour nap!!

I don’t know how many times I sit and stare at my blank computer screen wanting to write some deep thought-provoking post only to finally close my laptop and go clean the kitchen.  I am so inspired by people that write on their blogs several times a week.  They post pictures and tell funny stories and make confessions about themselves.  It’s like they view their blogs as a safe place to be themselves. Like they can’t wait to get home and tell the internet all about their day.

I often feel like I have to build up courage to post something.  There’s a sense of foreboding as I write sometimes.  I suppose I’m scared of being misunderstood.  Or judged.  Or having someone read what I write and rolling their eyes at it… and I’ll never know they rolled their eyes and where does that leave me?  And what if people think I’m stupid or immature or seeing the world wrong?  What if they say something mean in the comments?  Or even worse, what if they don’t?!  What if they just make fun of me behind my back and never give me the chance to defend myself?

Clearly I have issues.

Writing can be a very emotional process for me.  I often find myself on the verge of tears as I type out a post.  Not because what I’m writing is emotional but because it’s me.  Black and white,  size 12 font.  It is the process by which I realize who I am and what I’ve become.  I discover things about myself I never knew or realized.  And maybe that’s why I sit so often with a blank screen… because maybe today I don’t have the courage to look at myself in the honesty of the written word.

This past weekend we had a wonderful family day.  We went to brunch at a great new restaurant in our neighborhood.  We walked around town for a little bit and then headed to a great park on the beach.  It was a wonderful, relaxing day.  Just the three of us.

Pointing at a garbage truck down the street

Playing in the grass

Walking the beach

Like most kids, Kai loves to be thrown in the air

I love that he runs to me

Me and my son

Playing at the playground

For the past couple of years I have been contemplating what defines me.  Is it being a writer?  A wife?  A mom?  A friend?  Is my worth calculated from the hours I spend crafting or cooking or cleaning?  Or how many friends I have or how involved I am in the community?  What makes me me?

I know all the “proper” answers I could give, but which answer am I living?  Where do I place importance in my day-to-day life?  Right now almost my entire life is dedicated to being a mom.  And while I love every minute of it (okay, okay, not actually every minute but definitely most minutes), I don’t want motherhood to define me.  I’m not saying being a parent is not a good thing but I don’t think the sum of who I am equals “Mother”.  It needs to be more.  It has to be more.

I could make a huge list of things that I don’t want to define me.

Maybe I should focus instead on the things that I do want to define me…

After much thought and processing, I’ve come to realize that I need more structure to my days/weeks/months.  Initially the thought of adding structure (read: boundaries, guidelines, regulations) makes me want to throw up fists in self-defense of such cruelty.  I don’t want anyone telling me what to do even if I’m doing the telling!  But then my heart and mind caught up to my knee-jerk reaction and I slowly lowered my defensive stance and realized how important it is.

The funny thing about me hating the idea of structuring my days is that that’s the only way I survived the first year of having a baby.  Before Kai even arrived, I had worked out a schedule for him and knew exactly what the game-plan was.  I was very strategic and prepared.  It worked like a charm.  After about three weeks, Kai had settled into the groove I had prepared.  He knew what was coming.  I knew what was coming.  We became a little machine of structure.  I loved it and Kai thrived on it.

The difference was that the structure and schedule was for him not me.

Now that he’s older and basically living out the plan I set for him without prompting, I find myself floundering.  There are so many things I want and need to do.  Good things, wonderful things, necessary things.  I simply don’t make the time for them.  I specifically made Kai’s wake-up time to be 8:00 so that I could get up at 7:00 and have an hour to myself.  I could probably count how many times I’ve actually gotten up at 7:00 in the past year and a half.  Ugh.  And what about working out?  Eating healthy?  Getting involved?  If I don’t set the time to work out, I’m not going to do it.  If I don’t set a meal plan for the week, then I’ll be eating salt and vinegar chips for lunch while my son enjoys sweet potatoes, black beans and berries.  Why am I not eating the same food as my super healthy son?  Because I lack structure (and because those dang chips are so delicious)!

Structure.  I know when my days are structured and planned out I do so much better in all areas of life.  I’m happier, calmer, more disciplined.  I know what’s coming just like Kai knew (and knows) what’s coming.  There’s security in knowing.

As for being spontaneous, there’s still plenty of room for that…. I just need to set certain days as being spontaneous days.  And so, internet,  I am setting up a schedule for my days.  I’m committing to this schedule for the next two weeks.  After that, I’ll tweak it and change it if needed and then commit to another two weeks until I find a schedule that’s right for me.

Can I get a hearty, “Good luck!”?

One of the biggest lessons I took away from my weekend at the Women’s Retreat this year was a very simplistic idea.  As most simple ideas do, this one smacked me right in the face.  And then proceeded to change my entire perspective.  Sobbing followed.  Shoulder-shaking, alligator-tear-rolling, gasping-for-air sobbing.

The speaker was talking about John 11:17-37 where Lazarus had just died and Mary and Martha confront Jesus about not being there to heal him.  Jesus could have saved their brother.  They knew in their core that if he had been there, their brother would not have died.  If you read through the text, everything is very matter of fact.  It’s completely missing the emotion that these two women would have been feeling.  Their brother just died and they are portrayed as calm and level-headed.  I highly doubt that was the case.

Now, if you begin to color that scene with the emotions that those two women for sure would have been going through, you’ll get quite a different picture in your head.  Their only brother was dead.  One of their closest friends was a miracle worker… the son of God, for crying out loud !  And yet, he couldn’t take away time from his busy schedule to save one of his dearest friends?  And not only that, but it took him FOUR days to get to their house.  But wait, there’s more!  Jesus doesn’t even come to their home or even enter the village.  He just kinda waits along the road and hangs out (v.30).  I believe these women were angry.  Very angry.  I would have been.

Mary and Martha have both had four days to let their emotions build and I think they let Jesus have it.  I can only imagine how hysterical I would be if I was in that situation.  They probably assumed Jesus would wait until the last moment possible and then heal Lazarus right before he died.  But he didn’t.  He didn’t even show up!  Can you image how caught off guard you would feel?  How shocked and stunned?  How victimized and abandoned?  And how angry?

And yet, when they come at him, what does Jesus do?  He hears them out.  Lets them talk.  He sees their tears and how deeply they are stricken.  He is deeply moved and troubled (v.33).  And then he weeps (v.35).

He doesn’t counter back or try and prove himself.  He doesn’t get mad at them for their emotions.  He comes along beside them and weeps with them.  He doesn’t remove their pain or suffering but joins them in it.  The women’s emotions are real and he lets them experience that.

SMACK!!

I heard nothing of what the speaker said after this (insert sobbing and shaking and tears while my bff held me tightly).

That is how I need to be treating Kai when he becomes overwhelmed with emotions.  I need to come alongside him and let him experience his emotions.  I need to name them and validate them.  I need to let him know it’s okay to feel what he’s feeling.  To drown in frustration or hurt or anger because I’m still going to be there when he can see clearly again.  He doesn’t need his emotions squashed or disciplined out of him.  He needs to “try them on” and feel what they’re like.  He needs to work on handling them, calming them, understanding them, conquering them.  And not just with emotions, but with exploring the world and people and situations around him.  I need to be his safe place.  I have to be his safe place.

I know that the speaker’s intended point that night was a far cry from what I took away, but I am so thankful God knocked the wind out of me with her words.